Growing from Pain

(traduccion español)

When I was young, I used to complain about aching and pain in my joints. I was told that these were "growing pains" - and that everybody goes through this, and that growing pains means I am getting taller.


But "growing pains" are not just limited to adolescence…we experience growing pains throughout life. My biggest growing pain is my illness with central nervous system vasculitis. It has been during my journey with this illness that I have experienced the most growth and learned the most about life.


Henri Nouwen said, "We fail to see the place of suffering in the broader scheme of things. We fail to see that suffering is an inevitable dimension of life. Because we have lost perspective, we fail to see that unless one is willing to accept suffering properly, he or she is really refusing to continue in the quest for maturity. To refuse suffering is to refuse personal growth."


How then can we accept suffering properly?
The first thing we need to remember is to be patient. I know that patience is not one of my strongest qualities. We live in a world with instant gratification so sometimes we expect God to instantly answer our prayers. But God's ways are higher than ours, and He has specific purposes behind His answers to our prayers that we might not understand in this lifetime.


So while we're in pain and suffering, we hold on to our hope that this too shall pass. And we are patient in waiting during God's silence at these times of our lives. And while we wait on God's answer, we are constant in prayer. (Romans 12:12: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.")


1 Peter 5:10: "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." After God has confirmed, strengthened, and established you - you can then learn from your suffering and see how you have grown from it.


How have I grown from my pain?
1. By having to change life plans because of my illness, I have learned to lean not on my own understanding but trust in God's plans for me. I have learned not to depend on myself but to depend on God most, because He is always in control.  (Proverbs 3:5)
2. By gaining lots of weight on prednisone and losing hair due to chemotherapy, I have remembered that true beauty comes from within. That the heart is more important than the outward appearance and the heart's beauty never perishes, no matter what medication I may be on.  (1 Samuel 16:7)
3. By wondering if a cure will ever be found for my illness, I have learned to live with a steadfast hope. By the helpful hands of people in my life who have given hope to me, I have learned to give hope to others. (Isaiah 40:31)
4. By breaking down in tears on a bad day with my illness, I remember that just because I am a Christian, I am not entitled to have every single one of my prayers answered, that God's grace is always sufficient for me, and His power can be made perfect in my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)


When you experience pain, think of them as growing pains too....because through suffering, we build our resilience, our endurance, and our strength. 


2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

Choosing Joy

(traduccion español)

We all know choices are important. Some choices are small - such as choosing what to order on the menu. Some choices are big, like choosing where to buy your house. But there is an everyday choice that can bear even more importance in your life: choosing joy.

Henri Nouwen said, “Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.”

On Facebook, someone complimented me about my positive attitude towards life even in the face of an illness such as mine. I told that person that I didn't always have such a chirpy attitude. Last fall, after I was discharged from the hospital after my illness had flared up severely, there were several days where I felt miserable because it seemed that my illness was not letting go of me.

Then one day, I decided to stop thinking with the "woe is me" attitude and decided to be joyful instead! If I am going to live with an illness, I will do so joyfully; because whatever happens down the road is going to happen anyway. When you're living with an illness, and you're on chemotherapy and struggling with the side effects - sometimes choosing joy is difficult, but it's always the better choice to make.

Does having joy mean that you should never be sad or mad? No! There is a difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is a temporary state of emotion that expresses your enjoyment and satisfaction with your current circumstances. True joy is found when you know that despite what your circumstances are, there is something inside of you that is stronger than the mountains you face.

"Though sorrow may last through the night, joy comes in the morning."  Psalm 30:5

Where do you find your joy? Some people find joy with their significant other - because they rely on that person to lift them up when life goes down. Some people find joy in what they do as a career - they relish in how they serve others and their community. But people are not guaranteed to always be around …and careers don't last forever. As a Christian, I know that I can always find my joy in God.  He has promised to always be my side and endure with me whatever trials I am going through. When I feel pain, He feels it too. Knowing God means knowing that earth is our temporary home, and that one day we will be in a place where sorrow and tears will never enter.

We may not be able to control what happens to us, but we can always control our attitude towards life. Every day is a new beginning…even if joy has not been your friend lately, you can still choose joy today and see the difference that it can make in your life!

How does joy make a difference? You begin to look at the world and your problems through a new perspective. For me, Instead of viewing my rare isolated illness as "bad luck," I choose to view it as a "gift of special circumstance" - because I get to be challenged in ways that most other people don't. I endure struggles that other people don't have to face. And by overcoming these challenges and struggles, I become a stronger person. Strength builds resilience. And your resilience to life events helps you to hold on to your joy.

Racing with God

I am a Christian. I believe that God created the world and humankind, and when humankind broke their promise with God, God sent His Son Jesus to suffer the punishment so that all can live.


John 3:16 - the Bible verse that separates Christianity from other religions, from other statements of faith, from atheism: "For For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

The Cross has become a powerful symbol for many people. It reminds us of the pain and suffering that Jesus went through so that one day, we can go to a place where there is no pain and suffering.

And for people currently experiencing pain and suffering, they can look to the cross and find comfort and hope.

Some people may say, "Oh...well you're sick...you are just using Christianity as a prop to help you feel better."

No, that is not true - Christianity is not a prop. It is not a teddy bear that you pull out of the closet to comfort you when life is sad or scary." Christianity is a choice...it's a choice to believe in Someone you cannot see out of faith, and to believe in His words, and that they ring true.

Christianity is a lifestyle...it means that through our words and actions, people should be able to distinguish us from others because we choose to love others as God loves them. We think, "What would Jesus do?" rather than, "How can I take advantage of the world?"

Yes, Christianity does bring comfort to those who are sick...do you know why? Because God promises to do so. He told us, "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" (Isaiah 40:31).

I would love to be able to run all day and not grow weary....I would love to be able to be on my feet all day and not get faint...but that is not exactly what Isaiah is talking about here. He tells us that God gives us strength when we seek Him and rely on Him, instead of our own strength. The Hebrew word for "weary" found in Isaiah 40:30, means “exhaustion because of the hardness of life” (Motyer). God promises that we can endure the hardness of life if we hope in Him. So that when we finish the race, we cross the finish line victoriously instead of exhausted.

I am on chemotherapy...this is my fifth month in a row now...chemotherapy depletes the immune system. Although it is different for everyone, my side effects have been appetite loss, general unwell feeling, some nausea, stomach discomfort or pain, weakness, and tiredness.

In spite of chemotherapy and because of my hope in God - I am fighting the good fight, running well on this race, and keeping the faith (2 Timothy 4:7).


What do you put your hope in? You can put your hope in doctors, who say they are trying to do everything they can to help you. You can put your hope in friends, who sometimes don't have enough time for you. Or you can put hope in family, who sometimes disappoint you.

God promises to never let our hope down. Perhaps we don't understand why we are going through certain trials, and we wonder, "Why doesn't God answer our prayers?"

If God is not answering your prayers in the exact way you want Him to, it is because He has a better idea on how to handle your prayer request - for reasons you do not understand right now.

In January of 2011, I prayed to God that I would be accepted to the MSW program for social work in graduate school. I got my acceptance letter, and I thought my prayers were answered. But God had other plans...I got sick again in May, which kept me from moving to attend graduate school. 

I prayed to God that my illness would not return again...that I could be done with it. But in September, I had a severe flare-up that almost caused me permanent brain damage.

But instead of guaranteeing that I would never be sick again, God said, "I have a better plan for you. You will be sick again...and you will have a second round of chemotherapy that will remind you of the days when you were exhausted and heartbroken. And from this third encounter with your illness, you will seek Me and become stronger. For my power is made perfect in weakness. And with your weakness, you will help other people become stronger in theirs."

If it wasn't for my last flare up, I probably would not have started this blog.

What else separates Christians from others? We are happy in our suffering! Although I do have days where I feel down after bad test results from the doctors, deep down, I have joy in my heart. I could spend my days complaining about my symptoms and mourning the loss of a normal life, but because I know Jesus, and because I know that there is a purpose for everything, I choose to always find joy in my circumstances.

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance" (Romans 5:3).

And when you are tired and weary, and it seems like this world has nothing good left to offer you, remember also this: "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him" (James 1:12).






So why am I a Christian? I am a Christian because I choose to love a God who loves me despite everything I have done. In return for loving Him, He has promised eternity in Paradise. And if you have trouble believing that Jesus existed...read "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis. It is very simple to read, and explains Christianity in simple terms. Jesus did exist...there is proof outside of the Bible for that. Based on his claims, you can either believe that He was Lord, a lunatic, or liar.

And based on what you believe...imagine that today is your last day on earth. Do you know where you are going afterward? Does your worldview answer important questions such as, "Why am I here on earth? What is the purpose of life?" If you are content with your worldview and your belief system, then let that be so - but don't disregard Christianity. For out of all the belief systems in the world, there can only be one Truth. And if you think you know the Truth...then hope that you are right.

And to all Christians, no matter what your circumstances, no matter where you are in the race of life, and whether you are stumbling, walking, or running, remember:

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12

Tears and Blessings

Hi everyone...I've been crying a lot lately...don't get too worried...cytoxan makes me highly emotional...so when I feel sad it gets heightened and I cry even when I don't want to or need to...I cried at a Glee episode when they were feeding homeless children, so that's just an example of how silly my tears sometimes are.

But we all need someone to wipe away the tears when they are there. I am grateful to have my husband - he's been so supportive and understanding and strong through everything. And I am grateful to God who holds me in the palm of His hand when I can't hold myself up.

In my one of my other blogs, I mentioned that I was currently on a seizure medication because I was allergic to the last one. Well, it turns out I was allergic to this one too…it gave me a systemic allergic reaction which included another body rash and an on-and-off fever that lasted for three days.

Everyday I have prayed to God for healing…for a cure…to finally let my physical body move on from my last flare ups with central nervous system vasculitis. But when I saw my doctors recently, it didn't really encourage me to think that I was well on my way to remission.

My rheumatologist told me that I probably have the lowest grade form of lupus…another autoimmune disease. He asked me if I knew this because he read through my entire medical record (God bless the doctors who seek to actually know your medical history!) and found that my kidney biopsy from when I was 17 indicated that I may have lupus with primary central nervous system involvement. He said not to worry…since when I am treated for CNS vasculitis, it also treats the lupus…and that I am still being treated as if I was a primary CNS vasculitis patient anyway, since the main problem lies in my bran and not my kidney.

My neurologist told me that my EEG showed that I was having epileptal discharge - which indicates that I am still at risk for having seizures. Because I am now allergic to different classes of seizure medications, my neurologist and I are operating on the theory that as long as my vasculitis is being managed, I do not need seizure medications since my seizures are caused by my vasculitis - even though this goes against what the textbook says about epileptal discharges.

So I didn't really walk away from my medical appointments with a hopeful heart…I was thinking about how much longer I would need to be on chemotherapy, and what the possibility is for me going into status epilepticus again.

For those of you who don't know, status epilepticus is when your brain is in a state of constant subclinical nonconvulsive seizures. You would not know you are in status epilepticus unless you are hooked to an EEG machine that monitors and records your brain activity. Status epilepticus is even more dangerous than regular convulsive seizures because it can cause permanent brain damage if proper medical action is not taken right away.

But out of my illness, God has brought good. If you read my first post, you can read about how my life changed for the better after I was diagnosed with central nervous system vasculitis at 17.

My illness flared up again after 6 years in May 2011 with optic neuritis - it prevented me from moving to Toronto to attend graduate school. But because we didn't move, my husband was able to find a great job to support us. Optic neuritis was a trial that was a blessing in disguise.

 In September, my illness flared up again…and during that time of sadness and questioning that followed my discharge from the hospital, I created this blog and created the support group HOPE so I can bring together others who need hope in their lives when they are weak or weary.

If you read through the Bible, you will find that God can bring so much blessings out of your trials..

Look at the story of Joseph..he was sold into slavery so that he can save Egypt and other people from a terrible famine.

Job lost everything…he lost his possessions, his family passed away, and he was inflicted with a severe illness. But it was during his time of trial that his faith grew stronger in God and became a testimony to those who scoffed at God during the bad times in their life.

 And look at Paul, out of his suffering, he has advanced the message of God. He said:  "Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ.   And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear."

What chains do you have that you can use to serve God and others? My chains are called central nervous system vasculitis…it chains me to the wall of medical appointments, physical limitations, chemotherapy, medical expenses…but through my story and through my faith, I hope that I can bring joy and comfort to those.

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 2:10).

If you are going through difficult times, reflect on how you can bring something positive out of it. The stories that we have lived shape our character…and everyone has a story where hearts have been broken or tears have been shed. When you share what you have learned from your own story to others, they can be encouraged and blessed by your own story too. If you would like to share your story, feel free to message me or post your story below.

Laura Story is a wonderful Christian singer who wrote an amazing song based on her own trials. Her husband suffered from brain tumors. This is from her song:

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

And when God is silent during your trials, remember that God sometimes allows us to suffer because he is strengthening us during our weaknesses for a greater purpose. Think about the most significant unanswered prayer  in history. Jesus prayed, "O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me" (Matt. 26:39). This prayer was not answered and several hours later, Jesus was nailed to the cross. It was because God brought forth the greatest blessing from a great trial…He had a greater purpose for His Son… For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son - to die on the cross - so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).


Winston Churchill said, "if you are going through hell, keep going."
I say, "If you're going through trials..emerge victoriously with all the blessings that you can reap from it."

God has a purpose for everything. Blessings can come from trials…and when you share your story of trials with others, you share your blessings too.